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📰 Refuel #57: The Pain They Don’t Tell You About
There’s a moment most caregivers miss.
Not because they don’t care.
But because no one tells you what it looks like.
Your loved one isn’t going to sit you down and say:
“I’m in pain every day.”
I had no idea my brother was in so much pain until I was cleaning out his apartment after his death. He never complained of discomfort, but there was a lot of evidence pointing to chronic pain. He wouldn’t have gone on an anti-inflammatory diet, which is what I would have suggested, but I still wish he had said something.
🚩 The truth
People with chronic illness:
normalize pain
hide it to avoid being a “burden”
fear what happens if they admit it (loss of independence, driving, control)
So they say:
“I’m fine.”
“Just getting older.”
“It’s nothing.”
And it’s almost never nothing.
🚩 What pain actually looks like (when they won’t say it)
Watch for the behavioral tells:
Moving slower… but insisting they’re “not in pain”
Sitting more, avoiding stairs, avoiding outings
Irritability (pain makes people short-tempered)
Poor sleep → waking up tired every day
Loss of appetite or “I just don’t feel like eating”
Withdrawing from things they used to enjoy
Subtle limping, favoring one side
“Forgetting” things that require effort (sometimes it’s pain avoidance, not memory)
👉 Pain doesn’t always scream.
It shrinks their world.
🧠 The deeper layer (this part matters)
Pain isn’t just physical.
It becomes:
fear (“what if this gets worse?”)
isolation (“I don’t want them to see me like this”)
pride (“I can handle it”)
And sometimes…
they genuinely think this is just how aging works
(It’s not. Not like that.)
❗ The questions caregivers need to ask
Not:
“Are you in pain?”
You’ll get: “No.”
Ask instead:
“What part of your day feels the hardest right now?”
“What have you stopped doing that you used to enjoy?”
“When do you feel the most uncomfortable—morning, afternoon, or night?”
“Are you sleeping through the night?”
“Do you feel better sitting or moving?”
“What hurts when you try to do it?”
👉 You’re not asking if they’re in pain
You’re asking where life has gotten harder
🚩Of course, this is trickier if you’re dealing with memory issues. Any of those questions could have stumped my mom for HOURS. With Alzheimer’s, you just have to key into them. Every move, every sigh - you will begin to see what’s going on with them, but you have to be observant.
🛠️ What to do when you realize they are in pain
Document it
patterns (time of day, triggers)
Get specific with doctors
not “they’re in pain”
but: “they can’t stand longer than 5 minutes without discomfort”
Look at the basics first
hydration
inflammation (diet matters more than people think - sugar equals pain)
sleep
Don’t wait for a crisis
pain untreated → falls, hospitalizations, rapid decline
💬 The part no one says out loud
Sometimes they won’t tell you…
Because they know:
once you know, things will change.
More help.
More involvement.
Less independence.
So they stay quiet.
❤️ Final thought
If your parent or loved one is quieter, slower, or “just not themselves”…
Don’t accept:
“I’m fine.”
Look closer.
Pain hides.
But it always leaves clues.
And I am not suggesting that any of this is easy - it’s not. You’re living your life, and they know that you are making room for their illnesses, prescriptions, and hospitalizations. Sometimes, guilt keeps them quiet. Sometimes, they don’t want to accept that they’re changing and need more help.
💙Whatever their reasons are, you can still meet them halfway and open the lines of communication.💙
❤️You don’t want to try to figure it all out at once. If you’re inclined to help, start sooner rather than later.💯
You got this.
love you.
judith
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