Why good help matters more than you think

When someone you love is sick, aging, or declining, one of the hardest truths to accept is this:

🚨Not everyone you hire is actually helping.

Some people show up.
Some people talk a good game.
Some people collect a check.
And some people quietly allow your loved one to live in conditions that are unsafe, unhealthy, and unacceptable.

As caregivers, we are often stretched thin. We are working, grieving, managing our own households, and trying to hold everything together. That makes it easy to believe that hired help equals relief.

But hired help is only helpful if they are actually doing the job.

And when they are not, the cost is much higher than money.

It can mean missed medications.
🚩A dirty home.
🚩Poor hygiene.
🚩Spoiled food in the refrigerator.
🚩Soiled clothes and bedding.
🚩Falls are waiting to happen.
🚩Infections.
🚩Isolation.
🚩Dehydration.

And a person you love is slowly slipping further into danger while everyone says, “Everything is fine.” Some caregivers tend to give in to the patient rather than do what is right. And that’s problematic.

It is not fine.

One of the most important things you can do for an ill loved one is make sure there are real eyes on them — not just a body in the house, not just a name on a schedule, not just someone cashing checks. It is so important for relatives to get into the house and see what’s really going on, if you can.

You need competent, attentive, honest help.

That means people who:

I cannot stress the importance of good communication. The team I assembled for my mom was excellent. But I found the team my brother preferred was disorganized and not great communicators. If people mostly communicate about when and how they are gonna get paid, you know that’s their priority. His doctor was disorganized and didn’t communicate with the hospice team. Ugh. Very not how I do things.

A sick or elderly person can decline quickly in an unclean or poorly managed environment. A little mess becomes a big mess. A little weakness becomes a fall. A little confusion becomes a medical crisis. A small wound becomes an infection.

And too often, families find out too late that the help they trusted was not doing what needed to be done.

Here is the hard part: you must verify.

You cannot assume.

You may need to:

🚩If something feels off, it probably is.

Caregiving requires oversight. Even when you hire help, you are still managing a system. You are still responsible for making sure the care is real. And be prepared for your loved one to either refuse help from anyone and reject the idea of hiring help, or be stubbornly attached to the team they have put in place and flat out refuse to change.

‼️This is especially painful when your loved one insists they like someone, or when they are emotionally attached to a caregiver who is not serving them well. But affection is not the same thing as quality care. Familiarity is not the same thing as safety.

‼️Your job is not to keep everyone comfortable.
‼️Your job is to protect the person who is vulnerable.

Sometimes that means making a change people do not like. My brother could easily be triggered into depression, so one of his caregivers asked me not to fire the one who wasn’t good.

Sometimes it means hiring an agency instead of individuals. I would advise hiring a company so they can be held accountable.
Sometimes it means firing someone.
Sometimes it means admitting that what looked easier was actually creating more risk.

That is not failure. That is leadership.

If you are in this season now, let this be your reminder:

Get eyes on your loved one.
Check the conditions.
Check the help.
Check the truth.

Because good care should leave evidence.
The room should reflect it.
The body should reflect it.
The home should reflect it.
And your loved one’s health should reflect it. (Check their fingernails - big clue)

As I clean out my brother’s apartment, it is clear he wasn’t getting top-notch care. Absolutely nobody cleaned anything except his body, but now I wonder how clean he actually was, given the state of the rest of the apartment. I visited him, and I knew I would make certain changes, but he was deeply attached to these people. And I knew he was very sick. These women were convinced they knew him even though they only came on at the end of his life journey. He lived a full life and did as he desired, so I left everything in place to respect his feelings. It was hard to watch. But if you get a less stubborn person, please make sure you put the best team in place - if they let you. All of this is difficult, so pick your battles.

💙Love is not just arranging care.

❤️Love is making sure the care is real.

You got this.

love you.

judith

Everything I am working on and how to support the work.