Refuel #28

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When Siblings Disagree

I was very fortunate, as my siblings provided me with a great deal of support while taking care of my mom. They trusted my decisions, which helped alleviate a lot of stress. Many caregivers don’t enjoy that luxury, and old tensions flare up. Let’s unpack it!

🛠️ Welcome to Refuel

Hey fam,

If you’ve ever sat at the kitchen table exhausted after your loved one has gone to bed and thought—
“Why am I the only one doing this?”

You’re not alone.

In many families, one sibling becomes the default caregiver—driving to doctor appointments, handling the bills, cooking, and cleaning.
Meanwhile, others pop in for holidays, send a text once a month, and still expect the same share of the inheritance. I am not trying to make this transactional, but if one person does the majority of the work, there needs to be a thoughtful discussion around inheritances and who gets what. That starts with siblings and parents sitting down and setting clear boundaries BEFORE anybody gets sick or incapacitated.

In my family, I happened to be the youngest and the most physically capable of caring for my mom. None of us had any idea she would need the amount of care I ultimately provided, but it was God’s plan. And I am a much better human being for it.

But in many families, this one’s tough. Because money and family are already complicated. Add sickness, grief, and expectations—and the cracks show fast. Any resentment will quickly flare up once the topics of money and care for parents are discussed. Whew.

🔥 This Week’s Theme: Fair ≠ Equal

📖 Verse of the Week:
“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” – Galatians 6:2

Love doesn’t keep score—but the law often does.

🚗 Story from the Road: “I Can’t Do It Alone”

I have gone into great detail about how I wound up being my mom’s primary caregiver. I always thought she would plateau, and she could stay in a senior building, or I could help support her, not become her total support. But that’s what happens when a person needs long-term care.

I managed her medicine, paid her bills, and rearranged my life. A huge sacrifice, but one I did because I wanted to. I am not a victim. And my siblings helped in whatever way they could.

But for some families, when the will comes up, the question is simple: “The estate gets divided equally, right?”

And that’s when you can run into some heated discussions…

📊 What Actually Happens When Siblings Disagree

❌ The Law Says Equal
Most wills divide assets equally among children. Courts don’t factor in who did the caregiving.

⚖️ Caregivers Can Get Credit
In some states, if you’ve been paying expenses or providing care, you may be able to file for reimbursement from the estate. But it isn’t very easy, and you need records.

💸 Guilt Money Isn’t a Plan
Sometimes siblings “promise” to give you extra later. That’s rarely enforceable. You need agreements in writing.

👨‍👩‍👧 The Hard Truth
If parents don’t set clear expectations, siblings will likely argue later. Silence today is conflict tomorrow.

⛽ Quick Refuel: ✅ 5 Things to Do When You’re the Primary Caregiver

✅ 1. Talk to your parents now. Ask if they’d consider adjusting the will to reflect caregiving contributions. (Determine roles early - that will help.)

✅ 2. Put agreements in writing. Even a family care contract can help show fairness later.

✅ 3. Track everything. Keep receipts for groceries, meds, gas, and time spent. It strengthens your case if disputes arise.

✅ 4. Ask siblings for non-financial help. Even if they won’t do direct care, they can manage bills, schedule appointments, or order supplies.

✅ 5. Protect your peace. Remember: you can’t control their choices. You can only make sure you don’t go broke or broken in the process.

📌 Takeaway: If parents don’t define “fair,” the state will define “equal.” Don’t let silence destroy relationships—or legacies. Again, try not to make it transactional - focus on fairness.

📌 Next Steps

Like the newsletter? If you want to support this work, Cash App is: $faithandgasoline

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📘 Recommended Read:
Refuel: The Caregiver’s Handbook - This digital download is the perfect introduction to long-term caregiving! Buy it for yourself or a friend. Many of you are caregivers, even if you don’t know it yet!

📢 Forward this to your sibling, cousin, or parent. It’s not about blame—it’s about starting the hard conversation before it’s too late.

If they want to sign up: https://refuelbyfaithandgasoline.beehiiv.com/subscribe

💙💙 Community is the new currency 💙💙

Caregiving isn’t just about medicine. It’s about money, love, and fairness.
Don’t let resentment become the inheritance. And don’t break up your family to get your dad’s classic car. Communicate!

Go be great. 🚀💙
Love you.

With faith & fuel,
Judith A. Culp
Founder, Faith + Gasoline