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Refuel #25
Shadow work matters ššš
š„ Refuel | Issue #25
A Newsletter from Faith + Gasoline
š
Subject: āCaring for the Parent Who Hurt Youā ā When Love and History Are Complicated
š ļø Welcome to Refuel
Hey fam,
Letās get honest.
Caregiving is hard enough when your relationship is close.
But what happens when itās not?
When the person youāre caring for is the same person who neglected you, criticized you, abandoned youāor worse?
What do you do when your heart says "I want to do the right thing,"
but your body remembers every wound?
This issue is for the brave ones loving through pain.
You are not cold. You are not alone. You are walking the tightrope of legacy and truth.
And itās not easyā¦

š„ This Weekās Theme: Grace Doesnāt Mean Amnesia
š Verse of the Week:
āLove your enemies, do good to them⦠Then your reward will be great.ā ā Luke 6:35
This doesnāt mean putting yourself in harmās way.
It means choosing healing over hate, with boundaries.
š Story from the Road: I Did It With a Heavy Heartā¦at first
My mother and I were close, but our relationship was nuanced. My mom could be really mean. Not abusive, but definitely not a warm and fuzzy person. She could be very sweet. But she could also be equally as detached. She didnāt want to have heart-to-heart chats. She really wasnāt gonna humor your tears, either. Most of my triggers came from her, and then to have to care for her was deeply mindblowing.

But inside, I was grieving pain I never forgot.
I had to make peace with who she was and who she became, and to recognize that I wasnāt a little girl anymore. She did the best she could, and overall, I had a pretty great childhood.
Thatās when healing beganānot for her, but for me.
š The Truth About Care and Complicated Love
š“ You donāt have to pretend it didnāt happen.
š“ You donāt have to feel warm and fuzzy to show compassion.
š“ Forgiveness doesnāt mean forgettingāit means refusing to let bitterness lead.
š“ Boundaries arenāt rejectionātheyāre a way of saying: āIām healing while I help.ā
š Bottom Line: Youāre allowed to be both dutiful and wounded. Youāre not betraying your feelings. But know that God is doing a work in you. And let Him.

ā½ Quick Refuel: ā 5 Ways to Care Without Losing Yourself
ā
1. Tell the truth (to yourself).
Admit what happened. Name the hurt. Donāt gaslight your own past for the sake of peace.
ā
2. Set boundaries in love.
Itās okay to say: āI can help, but I donāt have to internalize the unpleasant parts of this.ā
Structure is not selfishāitās sacred.
ā
3. Have an emotional safety plan.
Who will you call when old wounds get triggered?
Have support on standbyātherapist, friend, journal, prayer partner.
ā
4. Redefine what āhonoring your parentā looks like.
Honor doesnāt always mean access. It can mean:
Ensuring theyāre cared for
Not letting hate take root
Breaking the cycle
ā
5. Forgive at your own pace, not on demand.
Forgiveness is not an eventāitās a process.
Start with: āIām willing to want peace, even if Iām not there yet.ā
š Takeaway: You can offer care without offering your whole soul. That is still love.
š Next Steps
š¬ Letās Connect:
If you feel like you need to talk with someone, I am available for consultation. For $150, you can chat with me for an hour and receive support and guidance. Respond to this email for details.
š§ Resource:
š āIt Didnāt Start With Youā by Mark Wolynn ā a deep dive into generational pain and how to heal while still showing up.
š§ Listen:
⨠Subscribe to MadLove
We have merch! https://refuel.printify.me/

š¢ Share this issue gently with someone who needs permission to say:
āIām doing my best with a broken history.ā
šš Community is the new currency šš
You donāt have to pretend.
You donāt have to forget.
You just have to love from a place that protects your peace.

Go be great. šš
Love you.
With faith & fuel,
Judith A. Culp
Founder, Faith + Gasoline