Refuel #23

🔥 Refuel | Issue #23
A Newsletter from Faith + Gasoline
📅 Subject: “What If They Don’t Get Better?” – Grieving While You’re Still Caring

🛠️ Welcome to Refuel

Hey fam,

We don’t talk about this part enough.
The part where you realize… this is not going to get better.
Not in the way you hoped.
Not in the way you prayed for.
Not in the way you saw in your head.

And now? You’re not just a caregiver.
You’re grieving—in real time—for someone who’s still here.

This issue is for those watching as decline inches forward.
The ones who still show up with meds, meals, and love—while silently mourning who their parent used to be.

You are not alone in this.

🔥 This Week’s Theme: Grief Lives Alongside the Work

📖 Verse of the Week:
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” – Psalm 34:18

God doesn’t wait for the funeral to bring comfort.
He meets us in the middle of the slow unraveling. And if your loved one has Alzheimer’s, it is painfully slow…

🚗 Story from the Road: The Light Dimmed Slowly

There was a moment when I stopped waiting for my mom to return to herself.
She was still here—but the presence, the sharpness, the rhythm of who she used to be… it was fading.

I kept hoping it was just a bad week. Sometimes she would stay in bed all day. Then, other times, she would pop up and get dressed. Sleep was erratic. Sometimes she was cheerful. It was challenging to grasp what mood she might be in, but one thing was for sure. She wasn’t going to get better. It was the disease, doing what it does. It is cruel and insidious. It moves slowly and quickly at the same time.

I grieved in silence—while still getting her haircuts, helping her dress, making her meals. I had to remember to cut her fingernails, and her podiatrist would make house calls. And one day I finally said to myself:
“This is the version of her I get now. And I have to make the most of this time with her.”

Occasionally, I could get her to laugh. She held a spark of something until the very end. And I learned to lean into the sparks…

💔 The Quiet Grief of Caregiving

🔴 Grief doesn’t wait for death. It begins with diagnosis.
🔴 You may feel robbed—of time, memories, connection.
🔴 It feels confusing: How can I mourn someone who’s still alive?
🔴 There is no timeline. No ceremony. Just a slow letting go.

📌 Bottom Line: You’re doing sacred work—and that includes grieving and loving at the same time.

⛽ Quick Refuel: ✅ 5 Ways to Make Peace with Decline

✅ 1. Acknowledge your grief.
Say it out loud: “I miss the version of them I used to know.” That’s not disloyal. That’s honest.

✅ 2. Stop chasing “fixes.”
Get second opinions—but also permit yourself to stop the frantic search for a cure. And people will offer their two cents even when you don’t ask. Learn to tune that out. If they’re not helping you, they can’t possibly understand.

✅ 3. Capture what’s still here.
A smile. A touch. A scent. A quiet moment. Document the present while it’s still reachable.

✅ 4. Talk to someone who understands.
Grief counselors, support groups, or a friend who’s walked this same road.
You can’t heal in isolation.

✅ 5. Let go with love—not guilt.
Your job isn’t to reverse the decline. It’s to offer comfort through it. That’s more than enough.

📌 Takeaway: Letting go doesn’t mean giving up. It means choosing peace over perfection.

📌 Next Steps

💬 Let’s Connect:
Are you in the middle of this slow goodbye?
Reply and share—we hold this space together.

📘 Recommended Read:
📖 Ambiguous Loss by Dr. Pauline Boss – a life-changing book for anyone grieving someone still living.

We have merch: https://refuel.printify.me/

📢 Forward this to someone who’s still hoping for the turnaround—and gently remind them:
Even if it doesn’t come, love will still be there.

💙💙 Community is the new currency 💙💙

You're not losing your mind.
You’re losing someone slowly—and still loving them anyway.
And that is the definition of divine strength.

Go be great. 🚀💙
Love you.

With faith & fuel,
Judith A. Culp
Founder, Faith + Gasoline